Daily Wisdoms

1. Mountains only get so big because they have no natural predators.
2. A man once asked: "There is a brown mustard, but no brown ketchup. How can this be?". Another man replied: "My friend, what you seek is barbecue sauce."
3. The naked man fears no pickpocket.
4. Smoothies were only invented to contain the power of pineapple, like the continental congress of fruits.
5. Minimalism was invented by big small to sell more less.
6. The popular soda Dr. Pepper is actually Pepper's monster. Dr. Pepper is the guy who made it.
7. Only in Italy are those with celiac disease quarantined.
8. Radishes were named that way because the guy thought they were cool but knew better options were readily available.
9. Everyone knows about pneumonia, but not everyone knows about oldmonia which was replaced by pneumonia in 1827.
10. Don't take criticism from someone you wouldn't take advice from.
11. There are entire groups of people who go around and ask people to fake cry so they can compare the results. They then use this data to make a tier list.
12. What do they add to glass to make it taste like blood?
13. Telescopes using mirrors means we'll never be able to see space vampires.
13. Everyone north of England has mystery solving lawns. For more information, look up "Scotland Yard".
15. From the humble bell pepper to bread dough, nothing satisfies hunger quite like food.
16. I ordered 2 large fries at Culvers and they gave me like 80 little ones.
17. Eating too many potatoes can actually cause a rare disease called tuberculosis.
18. I wish to one day have job security like an orthodontist in Great Britain.
19. Vegans can't eat silk.
20. This is your 1,815 pound turkey reminder. You need to get your 1,815 pound turkeys out of the freezer now so they can start defrosting in time for Thanksgiving.
21. If at all possible, don't be the reason someone thinks life is unfair.
22. Mailman is such a strange job title. And why are female mailmen called femalewomen? It's completely redundant.
23. Fresh French babies are all tested for a gluten allergy, and if found, shipped off to Canada. This is the only possible reason why Canada has so many French speakers.
24. In the same vein, why is it mermaid and merman instead of mermaid and merbutler?
25. Not all victories are worth winning for.
26. Cars would be so much more interesting if they spun around like one of those teacup rides when you used the gas pedal instead of moving forward.
27. Is alphabet soup uppercase or lowercase?
28. Why are they called buildings? They're finished. I propose we call them built instead.
29. When comparing the size of gummy bears to gummy worms, it paints a horrifying picture of the gummy animal kingdom.
30. Whoever put the alphabet in alphabetical order must've been really smart to do it without any references.
31. Fire is just hangry, so if it starts to burn something you care about, just give it some fuel. This will satiate the fire's hunger and it will leave your stuff alone.
32. How many other legumes are named after letters that we don't know about?
33. So, I'm banned from Target which is unfortunate. But in my defense, they should pick another logo if they don't want people trying to hit the bullseye.
34. Speakers can talk back to you on their own, you're just not shouting loud enough for them to hear you.
35. Oversized drills are boring.
36. I started a conference for single people looking for "the one". It blew their minds when I pulled out the rest of the numbers.
37. A finger gun that actually shot your fingers would be limited to 9 shots.
38. Try to think of embarrassing things you've done, then think of something embarrassing someone else has done. Got nothing, right? This is because you're the only one who ever makes mistakes, and everyone is laughing at you.
39. Why don't they move the signs so that the deer cross in less dangerous spots?
40. The only purpose of a degree in Egyptology is to become a professor and teach others Egyptology. This is a pyramid scheme.
41. I stayed at Chernobyl for a week and I was able to count the nights I spent in a hotel on one hand.
42. They say new things rise from the ashes of old, but the only thing I got out of the deal was bronchitis. In other news, the fellas at the crematorium did NOT appreciate that sentiment.
43. You can make your own mustard by mixing ammonia and bleach and condensing the resulting gas.
44. I'm glad certificates were designed to be more formal, but they're a bit sexist, so there should be a "ma'amtificate" to remedy this.
45. After his retirement, I bet Dr. Watson's next task was to turn his Sherlock House into a Sherlock Holme.
46. We're told snowflakes are all unique, but we haven't seen every snowflake. Thus, there are likely thousands of snowflakes that have committed identity fraud and gotten away with it too.
47. Baby Yoda's first word likely came after his second.
48. The BMI system is useless for amputees.
49. The two most popular flavors of ice cream are beans.
50. Read your Bibles. There's good stuff in there.
51. You don't need to raise your hand to knock on a door.
52. Imagine if the heart (being a muscle) could get swole like the other muscles. You could be on the organ donor list and get a heart with a 6 pack.
53. Albert Einstein is real. I thought he was just a theoretical physicist.
54. Multiple notes on a piano being called a chord makes sense since you're playing them with piano wire.
55. Japan's biggest tragedy is having the best bathrooms and no Taco Bell. What's the point of owning a Ferrari if you can't take it around the track?
56. The fool does not know the difference between BBQ sauce and teriyaki. Please help.
57. If tomatoes aren't a vegetable, then why are they in VeggieTales?
58. Birth certificates are just a baby receipt.
59. Heart attacks are too common, so I propose that the government acts and funds the heart defense association to stop these acts of violence.
60. The moon is approximately 6 Costco receipts away from earth.
61. Calling it an immune system doesn't make a lot of sense when it's clearly not.
62. The best time to start something is yesterday. The second best time is now.
63. Every day, you should take the time to be grateful that babies don't cry until they're born.
64. There's nothing stopping you from driving around a roundabout forever.
65. If you feel that moratorium workers don't get enough excitement in their lives, try eating a bunch of popcorn kernels before you get cremated.
66. Following birds to find water is dumb tactic. Follow the fish instead.
67. On average, a horse has about 7 horsepower.
68. What kind of lock does a turkey open?
69. Since a whole bagel bite doesn't fit into the average mouth, do you think the creators are looking for someone who is worthy enough like Willy Wonka to take over the bagel empire?
70. Orange is the only fruit that lives up to its name. Strawberry? Blueberry? Kiwi? All disappointments. The humble orange stands tall and firm, mostly because it isn't ripe yet.
71. My art teacher said white contained every color and black was the absence of color. However, when I mixed all the colors I got a putrid brown, and when I mixed none of the colors, it made nothing.
72. The animal I most identify with is the African elephant as they also eat 190 pounds of food every 16 hours.
73. It's common knowledge that you're allowed a phone call in prison, but it's less commonly known that you're also entitled to a hairbrush to sing karaoke into.
74. Escalators don't break, they just temporarily turn into stairs.
75. Uranium has about 13 billion calories per gram, making it an ideal food if you're trying to gain weight.
76. People act surprised when the brakes in their car fail. Pal, it's called a brake, and it did.
77. Spice up your family game night by playing Sorry and making everyone write a half page apology every time they knock someone out.
78. I don't know who, but whoever named it airsoft has clearly never been shot by an airsoft bullet. It is neither air nor soft.
79. People say miracles don't happen, yet have no answer as to why on June 19th, 2019, I looked up at an plane flying overhead and a perfectly cooked pepperoni pizza pocket flew directly into my mouth.
80. Latin being a dead language implies there was once a man named Jeremy Latin who was alive and healthy.
81. Last I checked, food can't talk, so how can we verify its ethnicity?
82. There is no "you" in "us".
83. Stacking chairs is morally correct as it lets the chairs sit down and rest for a while.
84. The name for mattresses implies a horrifying picture of a monarchy where California reigns supreme.
85. Contact lenses can become drinking glasses if you have really poor eyesight and reckless confidence.
86. Catholic chess would probably just have only bishops and replace the king with a pope piece that can just move wherever it wants.
87. There's never an excuse to be unkind.
88. If you feel that no one is rooting for you, know that you'll always have a ceiling fan at Costco.
89. Playgrounds are fun because they take you off it.
90. While the appendix can be removed from the human body with little to no consequences, future operations will be made harder as it tells doctors where the other organs are.
91. The people who caused an obesity epidemic by claiming fat was the problem and not sugar must've acted accordingly by removing the ball of fat from their skulls.
92. Tea kettles can hold a note longer than you'll ever be able to.
93. Gold being a standard currency for thousands of years proves that humans just like shiny things. Therefore, loneliness can be cured with a few coats of glossy primer.
94. I learned the hard way that federal judges do not appreciate me referring to the psychotic reasonings of a train enthusiast as "locomotives".
95. Sentient lamps can be very violent and bitter. This one kept throwing shade at me.
96. "How do you always keep calm?", the doorknob technician's assistant asked. The technician replied, "just keep a handle on things and they'll open up for you".
97. When you shatter a glass, everyone stops what they're doing for a few moments to look at you. So, if you need to get people's attention, carry a spare windshield in your pocket.
98. If you ever do pedicures one day, make sure you don't repeat my mistakes. I was asked to file nails and I put them in the cabinet next to the financial records.
99. If you're ever arrested for putting up selfies in an art museum, just plead not guilty and claim you were framed.
100. Why is the accelerator still called the gas pedal in electric cars?
101. Cooking minute rice in 30 seconds is what separates the boys from the men.
102. Concert halls have a limited capacity because there's a limited amount of music, and if they try to cram more people in, they'd run out.
103. The only acceptable time to be passive aggressive is when confidently overtaking a car in the other lane.
104. The dinner roll is the simplest of all the foods and yet still has a place at the Thanksgiving table.
105. You can put things that aren't books on bookshelves and the government can't stop you.
106. Someone told me not to move a muscle and my heart stopped.
107. If sniffles are partial sniffs, then I propose hiccups be renamed to breathles.
108. X% of Y is the same as Y% of X, so 16% of 50 is the same as 50% of 16.
109. If a child grows up to be the same size as his father, then jeans can be passed down for generations. Isn't biology amazing?
110. A real jukebox should always avoid playing the songs you request.
111. Sheet music was originally called scroll music before the invention of the printing press.
112. First, children are disallowed from enlisting in the army, and now children love to have pretend swordfights and shootouts. Conclusion: the children yearn for war.
113. Round tables just scream out that they're big enough and won't ever need to fit more people, as they're the only table that can't be put next to other tables to make a larger table.
114. Restaurants using transparent cups to serve opaque beverages is one of the strangest outcomes of the 21st century.
115. How is it fair that cooks can poach thousands of eggs a day, but I poach one elephant and I'm the criminal?
116. We can slowly strip numbers of their power by subtracting exponents.
117. The space between the E and the X in FedEx forms an arrow pointing forwards, which represents the direction the delivery guy threw my new laptop in.
118. Are cows brown with white stripes or white with brown stripes?
119. Instruments always fail to live up the hype. Saxophones can't place calls, trombones can't replace a femur, who the heck knows what a cello is, but the triangle remains truthful to the cause.
120. Growing up means realizing the monsters in your closet are real and consist of the ever-increasing pile of ugly sweaters.
121. There's no better bed and breakfast than the Iowa State Penitentiary.
122. The Egyptians put a lot of effort into making a sarcophagus just to hold some ashes. They should've considered using a Ziploc.
123. In the third Avengers movie, 50% of the population is turned into dust. Someone definitely got erased while their Roomba was running.
124. Funeral directors should do their jobs and shout "cut" when the hearse is loaded up.
125. The 21-gun salute was invented by the funeral industry to cause more funerals before the government said they couldn't use real bullets.
126. Gain infinite money by starting your own company and setting your own salary.
127. How do lactose intolerant people cope knowing they live in the milky way?
128. Never tell diabetics to have sweet dreams.
129. Cheese graters can sometimes contain braille. Just don't read in the wrong direction.
130. If you're arguing to win, you've already lost.
131. When talking to someone who doesn't speak your language, make sure to wave your hands wildly and speak louder and slower for immediate comprehension.
132. If your car is stuck in the snow, spray it with water. This will allow it to smoothly slide out.
133. Turning on your bright headlights in a subdivision is like using a firework to make toast.
134. If you stand inside the doors at Walmart, they'll stay open forever and remind everyone who walks through that chivalry is still alive.
135. If you live in an apartment, loudly bang on the walls all throughout November to remind your neighbors to be grateful for the little things, like sleep.
136. Your life's mission should be to beat your family at Mario Kart so bad that the smoke alarms go off.
137. For a definition of recursion, see wisdom #137.
138. Out of ideas for a birthday surprise? Try pulling the fire alarm at their place of work and be ready with balloons outside.
139. Scientists lied to us. There are only two phases of matter: things that do, and things that don't.
140. 47% of statistics are made up on the spot.
141. Genuinely, who is keeping Long John Silvers open?
142. Do you think worms are aware that humans think they're dancing 24/7?
143. Curious that it's called a network when, according to my grandpa, it doesn't.
144. In the event of turbulence, remember to panic and open the emergency door. This will supply fresh air to the passengers and calm everyone down.
145. Paintings is the Jamaican term for torture devices.
146. Cocoa beans are more coconuts than coconuts and coconuts are more watermelons than watermelons.
147. Any joke can be a one-liner with a small enough font size.
148. When played on a gramophone, a criminal record will play rap music overlaid on top of 1930s jazz.
149. An apple a day keeps the doctor away, but you can keep them away permanently if you throw hard enough.
150. You didn't notice there's no wisdom #14.
151. Laundry is launwet until about halfway through the cycle.
152. You can identify how old someone is by seeing if people laugh when they fall.
153. If someone orders a well-done steak and they're also rude to their waiter, it's best to assume they're just having a bad day and taking it out on others. Well, they're also taking it out of themselves as evidenced by the fact that they ordered a well-done steak.
154. You can easily tell what type a tree is by kicking it really hard. For instance, if you kick it and it screams "Ouch!", it's likely not a tree at all and you may just instead be in a play.
155. You shouldn't stop dating your spouse after you're married.
156. If you're scared about falling asleep during something important, set an alarm to go off every 2 hours while you sleep the night before. This will get your body accustomed to staying awake and you won't have any problems.
157. Forget wrapping your hair in a towel, just climb in the dryer and throw that baby on spin cycle.
158. The dishwasher washes itself, making it a dishwasherwasher.
159. Don't breathe oxygen in case of plane emergencies, use argon. Argon also happens to represent the state of your luggage if the pilot accidentally opens the cargo hold.
160. Computers are rocks that we trick ourselves into thinking we tricked into thinking.
161. Using the "pizza slice" method to slow down when skiing doesn't work for those animals who eat pizza crust first.
162. After realizing I'd never had any after someone asked me about my musical tastes, I ate a mandolin and found out it's not that good.
163. If you receive a document from a mermaid that doesn't use the Arial font, it's likely fake.
164. Sand is crushed rocks, meaning all castles are sand castles eventually.
165. There should be a variation of the Olympics where contestants are allowed to use as many drugs as possible, just to see how far they could actually go.
166. By waiting until the last minute to accomplish tasks, you increase your "work done" to "time spent working" ratio by at least 7,181%.
167. A dwarf's idea of objects that extend from floor-to-ceiling is much different than the average person's.
168. Mike Tyson probably doesn't believe December 26th is real ever since he retired.
169. Cookies should probably be renamed to bakeies, but brownies are perfect just the way they are.
170. Whoever coined the term "straight as an arrow" has definitely never shot a recurve.
171. Socialism is just the science of making friends. Whoever said the government needed friends needs to learn about espionage.
172. Formula 1 racecars don't need headlights and they only need one turn signal which is always on.
173. If the Cubs can win the Superbowl, then you can do anything you put your mind to.
174. Some poor sap is the spokesperson for a tire company.
175. The best kind of laughter is the kind you can't hear.
176. Literature, both fiction and nonfiction, contains many story and character arcs. The Bible is no exception to this. However, the most well-known arc in the Bible has to be Noah's.
177. If your eye hurts while drinking coffee, take the spoon out.
178. My boss being an "equal opportunity employer" and also saying everything in the kitchen needs to be Polish is the second strangest outcome of the 21st century.
179. I've been hallucinating lately. I saw a doctor.
180. Momma raised me to not ask questions, which seemed like a good strategy until I signed up to play Jeopardy.
181. When being chased, escape into a hotel. It's proven that hotels are very disorientating with the weird carpet, the flickering lights, the unmistakably unique musk, the—wait what was I talking about again?
182. Did you know that if you take all of a person's DNA and stretch it from end to end, it'd go to the moon and back 7 times? You'd also go to jail.
183. A cop walks into a bar and orders 10 frozen water cubes. It was just ice served.
184. Often ignored in literature, there was actually a 4th pig in the story of the "Three Little Pigs" whose house was made of wolf skulls. It wasn't sturdy, but it sent a message.
185. They say that humans are killed by cows more than sharks. Personally, I didn't know cows were such aggressive hunters.
186. King David was likely an awesome babysitter considering how quickly he rocked Goliath to sleep.
187. Do beavers have a purpose for blocking water or do you think they just see a stream and think "Absolutely not"?
188. When you get a bigger bed, you have more bed room but less bedroom.
189. Waffles are just pancakes with abs.
190. What color do chameleons turn when sitting on a mirror?
191. Why don't they make tires out of road so you can drive on anything?
192. Dyslexic fish are easily attracted to good lore, so try telling stories if you're not getting any bites.
193. Ceiling-mounted explosives don't blow up.
194. The emptiest head rattles out the loudest. This explains why babies love me.
195. What is so bad about Gob that we need an entire factory producing Gobstoppers to hold it back?
196. Buffalo wings don't come from buffalos, they come from chickens.
197. When the Dalai Lama died, his family was hoping his funeral would be a small affair. I just feel bad for the poor guy who walked in halfway through and said, "Oh sorry, I thought this was a zoo." Even worse was the lamp in the corner who replied, "it will be eventually!"
198. There's no better place to practice standup than in the middle of a field of crickets.
199. To help raise awareness of poverty, the city will be handing out free binoculars at the courthouse.
200. If you need to lose weight, start by cutting off your legs.
201. The grass is greener where you water it.
202. Everything is better in moderation, especially debates.
203. The secret to avoiding being made fun of is to make fun of yourself before anyone beats you to the punch. I call this the "set yourself on fire before anyone notices you're doused in gasoline" strategy.
204. They said it was an all-terrain vehicle, yet they still arrested me for driving it into the oval office.
205. TSA agents hate liquids because they're secretly made of salt and spice and all things rice.
206. Sublime implies the existence of superlime, which is perhaps some mega fruit used in only the finest of guacamole.
207. The meaning of family is relative.
208. My greatest concern with earthquakes are all of the helpless planes that could get shaken out of the sky.
209. I built a gingerbread cookie thing the other day. Tastes like home.
210. If everyone stops paying taxes, the IRS will lose funding and there will be no consequences, making it the most exciting Prisoner's Dilemma yet.
211. Skiing can easily become skeeball if you fall down the hill in just the right way. That's right, I didn't crack my head open with a ski, I just missed the 100-point hole.
212. Scientists have invented a digital form of chocolate called eCholocate, but it has a strange side effect of attracting bats.
213. I just learned that weapons of mass destruction are a complete sham, since apparently congress passed some law that says matter can't be created or destroyed. Now I have to return this cruise missile I got off eBay. Thanks a lot guys.
214. My ice cream separated and now I have to attend a hearing to determine who gets custardy of the cones.
215. The top bowlers and my TV both have one thing in common: they both run at 60 frames per second.
216. It's very possible you broke the world record for most [FOOD ITEM] consumed in a day and never realized it.
217. Peanut butter may fill in the cracks of the heart, but so does 24-hour cement.
218. C-Sections? No thank you, my eyes will be staying closed. Unfortunately, the assisting nurse said that wasn't an option.
219. Run ice through a juicer to ensure you only get the best of fresh squeezed water.
220. When you play with fire, your candle burns out quicker.
221. If a tree falls in the forest and it doesn't make a sound, then you need to switch up your interrogation methods.
222. Openly saying you're 5'11" may be a show of confidence, but true peace comes from knowing that height stops mattering once you're tall enough to ride all the rides.
223. An octopus is a wet spider.
224. Introducing a brand new arcade game: guac-a-mole, where you hit avocado pits instead of gophers.
225. I sometimes wish they'd sell mayonnaise in a can, but then I remember you're not supposed to microwave metal.
226. I always though a coop was a chicken house, but apparently, it's some homeschooler thing as well.
227. Ketchup is fruit based and contains sugar, meaning the only thing stopping it from being a soda is da bubbles.
228. An English major's favorite dinosaur is the Thesaurus.
229. A puppet show can easily be made into a string quartet, just use the bow on the puppet strings during the high-tension parts.
230. Fax machines can be used to spread misinformation.
231. Girl's swimming has been removed from the Olympics since new research suggests that only buoys float.
232. If knowledge is power, then hug lightning poles during thunderstorms to increase your intelligence.
233. All environmentalists should jump out of planes over forests at least once in their lifetimes. There's no better way to show support for nature than by hugging trees at 600 miles an hour.
234. Lane markers are actually to tell the construction crew where to build the roads, and only incidentally useful for drivers.
235. As the world becomes more informal, I predict the month of May will be renamed to the month of Can.
236. There's only one lead singer because otherwise it'd be too poisonous for the audience.
237. I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon's new grocery selection. I'll keep you guys posted.
238. The hippocampus is not part of the brain (doesn't have the word "lobe" in it). The hippocampus is where a large behemoth with a bigger mouth than me would go to get higher education.
239. Why beat a dead horse when you can beat a live one?
240. Every time someone eats a cheeseburger while saluting a flag, a bald eagle sheds a tear. On a completely unrelated note, it is illegal to kill bald eagles, but did you know you can pepper spray them?
241. There are two types of people: those who can infer information from context.
242. Always try to paint failures as efficiency. For instance, you didn't fall down the stairs, you just chose a quicker way to descend, or alternatively, you did a trust exercise with the floor below.
243. Pugs are golden retrievers after a long volleyball career.
244. Friendship bracelets are made in China by those who are too overworked to know what those are.
245. Two antennas got married yesterday. The wedding itself was nice, but the reception was incredible.
246. Always bring a bomb when boarding a plane. It helps keep everyone else safe, since you won't detonate yours, and the odds of there being two bombs on a plane are astronomical.
247. Never go on a plane with someone who practices #246.
248. The earth is a pie with a rock crust, which means we're the cherry on top.
249. Toast is genius. What guy looked at bread and thought "Let's cook it again"?
250. Waffles are one of the only foods to be so good that it convinces people to buy an appliance with the only purpose of making them.
251. The existence of gross and net totals implies there's some gunk in the money that needs to be filtered out by the government before it's safe to spend.
252. Camels are water towers with legs.
253. Don't bother going down rabbit holes; you won't fit, and someone will have to call the fire department to pull you out.
254. There are three things all wise men fear: the sea in storm, a night with no moon, and a bubble enthusiast when someone mentions pop culture.
255. There's more hydrogen in a gallon of gasoline than in a gallon of liquid hydrogen. Therefore, we can conclude that the Hindenburg's main problem was that they didn't use enough.
256. No one is better at procrastination than me. I got a birthmark in my 20s.
257. I bought a book on surprises, and it was completely blank.
258. Dsyelxia must epxeirecned, it be cnaont exlpiande.
259. If cats could text you back, they would not.
260. Here's the alphabet as viewed from above: _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ . _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _.
261. It's not illegal for you to wear ice skates at a bowling alley. Use this tactic to become one with the ball and slide across the floor into the pins.
262. Having dates just for blind people seems an awful lot like discrimination.
263. How did Jesus find guys named Matthew, Mark, Luke, John, Peter, or Paul, in the middle of the middle east in the 1st century?
264. Greek yogurt is just Go-Gurt that stays.
265. Asking "How are you?" has become a greeting, and while that's just sad, you may be wondering why no one asks, "when are you?". This is because that question makes zero sense.
266. Every E in Mercedes is pronounced differently.
267. There are truly some magnificent cow pastures, but only one can hold the title of legendary.
268. If your blender makes loud rhythmic clicking sounds when making a root smoothie, take the beet out.
269. Beef jerky is just cow raisins.
270. Sea lions are seals that have lost or gained a valence electron.
271. I talked to a microbiologist. Apparently, they're just a normal size.
272. You'll never know the value of a moment until it becomes a memory.
273. Take care to not let your brain get too smart, otherwise it'll take over your body.
274. Alaskan haunted houses are boring. Someone needs to tell them that you can't just stick deer heads everywhere that say "cari-boo!" and call it an amusement.
275. Going waterboarding in Guantanamo Bay sounds like a fun time if you're unfamiliar with either of those.
276. Best Buy and Best Bargains cannot coexist. How will we know which one is truly "best"?
277. When pronouns mess up, they go to youvie.
278. Gutenberg was the only person to have ever read every printed book ever made at the time.
279. The letter W starts with a D.
280. Give a man fire, he'll be warm for a day, but set on a man on fire and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.
281. If you want to see someone's dark side, turn the lights off.
282. The extremely sick CEO of Answers in Genesis walked into a smokehouse and was instantly healed. That's right: Ken Ham was cured.
283. Earthquakes struck corporate offices all over New Hampshire. Somehow, the break rooms were left untouched.
284. Overnight, an entire state vanished. Geographers and astronomers everywhere are all asking the same question: delawhere did it go?
285. People went to the moon because it has cheese and craters, and since Wisconsin already has cheese, I have an idea on how to attract tourists.
286. If apple seeds contain a little cyanide, and cyanide smells like almonds, how many apples does it take to make a whole almond?
287. Hard drives can get dirty. Make sure to give them a good wipe every few days to keep them clean.
288. Generate infinite bookmarks by buying a bookmark, returning it, and using the receipt.
289. Look at any object around you, and I bet you can imagine perfectly what it'd feel like to lick it.
290. You're further away from dying now than you ever will be.
291. Put a sprig of thyme in your socks before getting dressed for work. It won't stop odor, but you can walk with confidence knowing you have something in common with soup.
292. Working on a farm always has me thinking I'm in the wrong field. Google said it was corn, but it's actually soybean.
293. The best foods are ones made by someone who cared.
294. If you're ever daydreaming while crossing street construction and you get flattened by a steam roller, put your thumb in your mouth and blow. This will restore your flattened body to its original shape.
295. Not every joke you tell will land, and that's okay. Sometimes you just need to throw 295 jokes out there, and if one of them sticks, be content with that victory.
296. The average person per person is more than one.
297. Restaurant cutlery has been in hundreds of other people's mouths.
298. Most people's first word in a year is "happy". Wish that carried through the rest of it.
299. Acceleration doesn't care about direction, meaning that when approaching a pedestrian, you should slam on the accelerator.
300. Air conditions work by coaching the air a rigorous and consistent training program.
301. To fall asleep quickly, set up a device to swing a rubber mallet at your head at the push of a button. Not only will it knock you out cold instantly, but the resulting swelling will act as a pillow.
302. When tool warehouses get stressed, they shed.
303. You can give V8 juice to your car as a little treat (helps the engine grow big and strong), but it's not compatible with V4 engines.
304. Where do you find pigeons (flying rodents perhaps) outside of cities?
305. You can create a stained-glass masterpiece by hurling a ketchup filled water balloon at a window.
306. The local government doesn't want you to know this, but the birds at the park are completely free. I have seventeen so far.
307. Never trust a hooli, cause a hooli that's hooli'd once is sure to hooligan.
308. A chef claiming to be psychic were exposed when it was revealed the steaks were lacking a seer.
309. Your honor, if you are what you eat, then my client is an innocent man.
310. You're more anxious when you sleep cause the anxiety juice sloshes into your brain when you lay sideways. This is the only rational explanation for why I was so scared when I was dangled upside down over an active volcano.
311. If there is no intelligent design, then why does the palm of a man fit so perfectly around the throat of a goose?
312. Never keep a commonly misplaced business card in your jacket, cause if you lose the jacket, you'll lose the cardigan.
313. My closet door has gone insane. It's completely unhinged.
314. Ski hills are open when it's cold. Therefore, it's only so hot during the summer because they're hoarding all the cooler temperatures for themselves, thus we should force them open to combat the summer heat.
315. I was in a race against a large cat, and while I lost, I'm not convinced it wasn't a cheetah.
316. There's a special oven designed to cook tall plants that lack both seeds and flowers. For more information, look up fern-ace.
317. If your body is trying to cardiac arrest you, just ask it where it's arrest warrant is. When they are unable to produce it, you will be free to go.
318. Plug your microwave in backwards to make the food colder instead.
319. The Cubs visited an orphanage last week. "It's depressing to see the lack of hope and despair on their faces", said Zachary, age 7.
320. Work emails are turn based combat.
321. A refrigerator jumps out of a plane and shouts "this is cool!". Unfortunately, it did forget a parachute. RIP Steve.
322. I don't always have time to fold laundry, but when I do, I don't.
323. Always remember you're unique... just like everyone else.
324. My Grandpa became ill when he was in his late 80s. We tried covering him head to toe with Vaseline to help him recover just like its inventor said to do. He went downhill quite quickly after that.
325. The presidential debate is a battle of wits, and both sides are unarmed.
326. Philosophers have long wondered about the ship of Theseus and whether or not it's the same ship if you replace all the parts. In reality, it's still the ship of Thesus as long as he's on the registration at the DMV.
327. They said I was gullible, and I believed them.
328. If you chop off your thumb, you lose your middle finger.
329. A half-inflated balloon is completely full.
330. Archaeologists should replant sites for future generations to discover.
331. Farmers who want to domesticate maize must prove themselves by solving every garden labyrinth and kids' menu puzzle in the country.
332. The early bird catches the worm, but the early worm gets eaten.
333. If we don't learn from the mistakes of the future, we're doomed to repeat them for the first time.
334. Auto cucumber is like the government. When it works, it works really well, but when it doesn't...
335. Did you know there's a giant patch of garbage floating in the Atlantic Ocean? For more information, look up "Great Britain".
336. I wanted to get a game started, but good players hide and seek are hard to find.
337. The library books on paranoia are typically right behind you.
338. The birds will NOT be coming back north this spring because TSA lost their luggage.
339. Why touch grass if you can eat dirt?
340. Gummy worms contain more bones than actual worms.
341. If the biggest loser went to a loser competition, would they come in first or last?
342. Plane tickets are expensive. Use airplane mode on your phone to get around.
343. I read an article about an outbreak of bird flu in Asia. I don't see the problem; they tend to do that.
344. You may have consumed the same water more than once.
345. Several crows were spotted outside a local farmers market raising money for charity by making custom sounds after every donation. After donating $300, one patron said, "it was 4 good caws".
346. Engines can run on gas, oil, wood, and even spices. In the 1800s, trains even used to run on thyme.
347. Remember to be kind and turn the other cheek, you never know when the vending machines will start kicking back.
348. Intense laughter can cause fatal heart attacks. Therefore, comedy shows should have a warning.
349. Imagine what Tarzan could do with a pair of heelys.
350. Squirrels cook with cast iron since they can't use modern non-stick pans.
351. Doubt kills more dreams than failure ever will.
352. I go horseback riding every Tuesday and have quite the rapport with the owner; I'm in a stable relationship.
353. Everyone has past mistakes. I once broke into a moratorium and still have skeletons in my closet.
354. I went to a fight and a hockey game broke out.
355. Once I thought I was wrong, but I was mistaken.
356. Purple is just the brain seeing the absence of green, meaning it's a pigment of your imagination.
357. People say motivation doesn't last, but neither does bathing and Mom still makes me take one every day (it's called "sham"poo, clearly it's up to no good).
358. I saw a pickup truck, and not wanting to shy away from a challenge, promptly threw out my back.
359. Presents are a lot more impressive if you turn the paper inside out.
360. They made bird hunting sound so easy, but they get really angry if you start chucking rocks at them.
361. Anything worth doing is worth doing badly.
362. The first thing I do when I clock in for the day is hide, because good workers are hard to find.
363. A good cook can make anything taste good. A great cook can make anything taste like chicken.
364. Research shows that 6 out of 7 dwarves aren't happy.
365. No one gets where they are on their own.
366. Leap years need to be removed, and instead there should just be an extra 57.38 seconds per day.

Ones that didn't make the cut

• I don't see color. I've been at this stoplight for 10 years.
• Clouds will periodically look at you and try to guess your shape.
• Phones are communication devices, but they also serve as a reminder that we're not Amish.
• Restaurant gift cards are immune to inflation, but my currency based on hot air balloons is not.
• It's not a conspiracy theory unless it comes from the French province of conspiracy. Otherwise, it's just sparkling paranoia.
• They said rinse, lather, and repeat, and they did not say to stop. It has been FORTY years... please send help.
• The capital of America is A.
• I gave my handyman a to-do list, but he only did jobs 1, 3, and 5. Turns out he only does odd jobs.
• I made a gun that shoots dumbbells. It's a weapon of mass.
• Contractions indicate that a word is about to give birth.